I haven't mentioned Laurie to anyone here in Malaysia. The closest I came was when someone asked me how many years are between me and my other siblings. For simplicity, I spoke of Laurie in present tense.
Wow. It seems so much safer to keep silent about her death (in those casual conversations) than it would be to open up the whole can of worms. I know people would care and they would extend their sympathy, but for the trouble, I have found it easier just to keep the subject on the down-low. Is that denial? Am I suppressing something that I shouldn't? Am I treating this as if it's shameful? Whoa.
Then, when I consider how others have told stories of disguising loved ones' suicides as due to other causes, I begin to wonder if I am joining a similar camp. Oh, I hope not. I think I am just keeping the issue of my pain carefully hidden as a practical mechanism to enable an easier day-to-day life. When acquaintences grow into friendships, or when distant business relationships develop into close ones, then I think it is appropriate to let others in and see.
I just am uncomfortable with the silence. I don't like to "pretend" I am 100% OK. Even worse, I don't like "pretending" Laurie is still alive for merely practical conversational reasons. But, to do otherwise would throw a hard left-turn into any scenario -- one that cannot be handled lightly -- by anyone.
Try showing a family photo album to someone outside of the "know", then coming across a picture of Laurie... Gulp... Pause.... You get something like this, "Yeah, and that's Laurie, she's my 20-yr old sister, doesn't she look great? .....(next photo).....oh look, here's a picture of my dog..." Meanwhile below those words lurks a mountain of emotion and angst. Ouch big time.
I haven't found a solution to this one. Not that there is one. So, instead, I've found that silence is safer.
greg
5 comments:
Greg, Pete and I had something similiar just the other night at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. Our waiter, out of the blue, says "How is your daughter?" We looked quickly at each other and said well, one is at UIC in college and the other is becoming a nurse and has the three kids. Did he mean Laurie? One of the older waiters knows, but not this one. After he left our table, we just looked at each other with tears. Uck. It felt so bad not even acknowledging Laurie, but it did not feel right going into the whole story either. Sucks, doesn't it?
Love you, Mom
Greg, I so very much get you. It happens the same way for me...Family will come up in a conversation, and I'll just leave the whole subject alone, appearing on the outside to casually gloss it all over, while on the inside, my heart is breaking all over again. That little voice inside me is screaming to them, "There is more to it! If you want to know me, you have to start here, because this rough-edged part has changed everything!" and I wonder if sometimes they can see it in my eyes. I guess this is another part of the grief...working it into our lives, and out of them, at the same time.
I love you immeasurably.
Always,
Katie
Yes, I am commenting again, but something Jen said made me think...protecting ourselves. I think that has something to do with it. Protecting ourselves, and Laurie at the same time. I fear that if I say "suicide" to someone that they will have this preconcieved notion about it, and Laurie, and who she was, and the whole big, big, big, big thing...like I did before Laurie died. I know that while I certainly had compassionate feelings for people suffering through any loss, I probably thought, even if only in the back of my mind, that with a suicide, the person that was lost must have been "less." Less than what exactly, I don't know, but unwhole, or crazy, or depressed, or scary, or broken, or maybe all these things. But I'm sure I never thought they were Laurie...happy, and smart, and beautiful, and brave, and loved.
So maybe another reason I keep it to myself is because I can't stand the idea that someone would judge Laur, or not "get" her, or think things of her that weren't true...on the outside, anyways.
I still love you immeasurably, and uncontainably, too.
Always, Katie (the sister that is 3,287 days younger than you...)
Greg,
I can also relate. I find myself adopting the "And my cousin who was 4 years younger passed this year" when family comes up. It hurts to much to rehash things with people who don't know me. It's the same with my Mom. I always say "My Mother died when I was 17." If they ask "How?" I just say "There was an accident". Dropping words like Suicide, or Electrocution on the average passerby seems crude and harsh. Not because it's shameful, but because it's startling. I wait until I've developed some kind of relationship with someone. I don't think that's denial, or hiding. I think it's guarding our hearts.
Love you more than you know.
Mandy
Greg
I've had somewhat similar moments. When I see someone that I havent talked to in a long time (who doesn't know Laurie) and they'll ask 'What's new in your life?' or whatever...how do I answer that?
They didn't know Laurie, so mentioning it would be awkward for them right?
But they also politely asked the question, so shouldn't I respond by telling them about the most life-shifting experience I've ever gone through?
Either way, it SUCKS.
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