Two Years -- A Void Too Deep

So, here I am -- experiencing March 2nd fourteen hours ahead of everyone else, due to the wonders of time zones. Unfortunately, my grief of remembering began yesterday. Seems like when March 1st arrives, I already know what's coming -- March 2nd is just a day away. The daytime yesterday seemed to go like any other day, but when evening fell, so did my spirits.

I have come to the conclusion that losing my sister has left a void too deep to be filled any other way. As I've said before, time has not healed this wound, it has only made it "normal" to be wounded. You would think that two years later we would have some things resolved, some cheery catch-phrase, or some way to show how well we've "worked through" our grief. But it's not that way -- at least for me. You see, I know now that I am changed -- profoundly. Let me try to explain.

I don't laugh quite as easily any more. I still laugh (a lot), but there is always an element of resistance, maybe a reluctance, to it. I can't seem to be as open with others as I thought I used to be. I also am sad to say that I have an unshakeable degree of pessimism that I never had before. I don't want to say that I am "mad at the world" or "mad at God", but let's just say that I'm not at peace with the hand we've been dealt. As I wrote in this blog entry two years ago, I still feel like I'm living under a degree of protest. I am not at all OK with Laurie not being here.

But there were two shining glimmers of light yesterday:

1. First, I read a beautiful essay that my sister Kristin wrote for one of her college classes. SHe titled the essay "Surrealism", and it lays out exactly the thoughts and emotions that Kristin went through in the days immediately following Laurie's disappearance. As you may know, Kristin doesn't have a blog (at least that I know of), and she has rarely exposed her inner self beyond just her inner circle. You can imagine that me being 10,000 miles away makes it hard to keep in close contact as well. Kristin's essay came to me like an extremely rare gift -- a chance to share WITH her in all that she was going through during those first days of March 2005. I will treasure her writing jealously. It was a sweet gift to me; and a well-timed one at that.

2. Second, I found a gem where I least expected it. Last night, I pulled out the DVDs that Kelly Dolan, Mark Novelli, and Drew Brown had made for us in preparing for Laurie's funeral. They had made an unbelievable video of Laurie's life (which is still posted on the memorial website), and pulled together an assortment of other "Laurie Videos" that I treasure greatly. Well, imagine my surprise, when I found a HIDDEN music video stored at the end of the "Memories of Laurie" track on Disk 1?! I was watching what I thought was old footage, when all of the sudden a song begins, and I am treated to a music video of images and words that I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE. It was like a time capsule that I have been carrying around with me for two years (not knowing it!) and only now was opening.

For this I owe a huge, heartfelt thanks to Drew, Kelly, and Mark. For giving me this incredible gift -- two years after it was crafted. You got to me. (Have you posted that video anywhere guys?)

Well, it's time for me to attempt a day of work. I'm going to pretend I'm in the same Central time zone that Laurie was in, as she walked through her last day. I told Ashley yesterday that March 2nd is my least favorite day of the year. I don't know if it's OK to "hate" a certain day of the year, but for me that day would be March 2nd (apologies to everyone who has a March 2nd birthday -- JP). I just have this cold feeling about the day. I still miss Laurie more than I can describe. I don't understand why she did it or why this happened.

Losing Laurie has just left a void too deep.

greg