Insulation

During the first few days and weeks after Laurie's death, we as a family were forced to handle information, news, and details on almost a continuous basis. Sometimes it was news we were seeing unfold in front of us on TV; sometimes it was information brought from the police detectives; sometimes it was the written text of Laurie's autopsy. The magnitude and impact of the information was (and still is) staggering. It was almost like we got used to living in crisis mode. Every time the phone rang or there was a knock at the door, there could be some new unbelievable piece of news coming.

Although I know that our faith was surely working in overdrive, it was strange how we developed a protective layer of insulation. How else could we honestly manage to take in the information being fed to us? If we didn't have some kind of buffer to separate us from what we were hearing, I don't think our hearts would have been able to take it.

Today I came across some of the "keynote" documents of our year: Laurie's autopsy from the Coroner's office, Laurie's final letter, printouts of the news stories, the Daily Herald from March 5th (with Laurie's picture on the front page). I re-read with almost a breathless awe -- the words seemed surreal. They hit me with impact. Details. Dates and times. Clues. Photos. Somehow going back through those documents now seems completely different than the first time. I am not covered with this protective-survival-mode-insulation any more. And now, the words roll off the pages with more power and sting than before. I kept shaking my head. "Wow, I didn't see THAT before," I'd tell myself as I worked my way through. It was almost as if I was seeing some of it for the first time. Vivid and descriptive. Scary. Weighty. Almost unreal.

I think this re-reading process is good. I'm not shaken on an emotional or breakdown level. I'm just seeing the information more directly. I'm not hidden behind the self-protective insulation. Instead, I'm soaking all this in from a different angle. Hmmmm. I'll have to watch how this settles in the days ahead. Maybe I'll have more to say then.

greg