Anger again, but mixed with guilt...

Another day, another emotion. Yesterday I had a day trip to Atlanta. On the plane I re-read Laurie's final letter -- interested in seeing if I had missed anything the first fifty times through it...

You know, I found 5 direct instances where she expressed how painful the disapproval from "everyone around her" really was. Logical or not, it is not hard to connect her pain to her final decision. I think that's pretty obvious. Well intentioned or not, I think that anyone who expressed their disapproval to Laurie now knows how damaging it was. Those people are probably going to have a hard time getting on with their own lives after this settles down.

However, I have my own level of guilt to contend with. As I look back now, I think the last time I spoke to Laur was Dec 26th -- the day she called to tell me of her engagement. Of course I was surprised at the time -- I had never heard mention of Scott in her life, much less meet him. I stuttered and stumbled, but think that I authentically shared my excitement and encouragement for Laur in this new phase. When I got home that day, I mulled through the obvious issues, and at one point thought I was going to call Laur back to encourage her to take her time. However, I did not. As time went by, I felt less of a need to call Laur to express any doubt or misgivings, but here's the guilt part -- I didn't call at all. Not that I was trying to make a point through silence; I just didn't call -- even to express my own excitement. How awful is that?! My own sister -- going through the thrills and nerves of engagement, and I exit stage left down my own road of "being busy" or "working on my MBA". I let her down, BIG TIME.

Sure, there were those in her life telling her how poor of a decision she made, telling her she couldn't be maid of honor in weddings, sending her "confrontation" emails, but where was I? If anyone should know about getting married at age 20, it was me. If anyone should know about getting married amid crisis, it was me. If anyone should be able to provide advice on what "God would think", it was me. Cheryl and I are examples of how freaking gracious God can be. I now feel that my silence was, in fact, a major mistake. I don't want to make that one again, so I'm addressing it -- through this blog, through counseling, and through grief support at church. I invite others to address their own shortfalls as well. Don't make the same mistake twice.

greg

P.S. Last month, I did finally get to meet Scott. In just a few short days, we spent a lot of time talking, sharing, crying, and laughing. I think he is amazing -- a great 23-yr-old young man with a lot of great thoughts, a huge heart, and a world of potential ahead of him. By the end of the week, I told him how much I would have loved to have been his brother-in-law. I can see why Laur fell in love with him. I can only pray that he will one day discover love again -- and that he can find real Joy beyond expectation.